Tainted
by Mika Of The Leaf
Summary: All Misao has ever wanted was for Aoshi to love her. But she doesn't realize just how tainted his heart has become and he doubts that even her love can ever truly cleanse him.


"She misses you, Aoshi-sama. Misao-chan hardly ever leaves her room anymore. She pretends, but it's all for show. She's strong, but she misses you."

Shinomori Aoshi didn't say a word as Okina spoke in soft words to him. He was well aware of what the older man was attempting to do, and it wasn't going to work. He wouldn't return to the Aoiya Inn any time soon, even for Misao.

iEspecially for Misao/i, he thought to himself quietly before he exhaled slowly, lifting his gaze to look at Okina straight in the eyes before he took a sip of the lukewarm tea that was sitting in front of him.

"I won't be returning to the Inn, Okina," Aoshi spoke in his usual manner. He knew that it would be harder to hide his true feelings on the matter from Okina. The man had, after all, known him for a long time; longer than most could say, and because of that past together, Okina knew things about Aoshi that most didn't. That wasn't exactly something Aoshi was comfortable with, but it was the truth nonetheless.

"She doesn't hate you or blame you for what happened to the others. None of us do, Aoshi."

Yet again, the older man was trying to appeal to Aoshi's softer side; the part of him that he refused to allow others to see. Instead of giving Okina what he wanted, Aoshi just let out another small, almost annoyed, sigh before he folded his hands underneath his chin, closing his eyes for a few moments calmly.

"I never thought she blamed me for their deaths, Okina. But nonetheless, I won't be returning with you to the Inn."

It was to be his final word on the subject and he knew that Okina would understand that. They sat in silence for several more moments before Okina narrowed his eyes slightly. It was then that Aoshi realized he would have to give some sort of explanation, though he didn't want to.

"You owe it to her to at least tell her why you can't come back to see her, Aoshi," Okina told Aoshi in between sips of his tea. "And don't t give me any excuses."

It took Aoshi several moments to think of just exactly how he wanted to answer Okina's question. How could he possibly put into words what his thoughts were? It wasn't something the Oniwabanshu had ever taught him. It was almost ironic, Aoshi thought to himself. He knew about fighting and he knew about battles, but when it came to expressing how he felt and how to say what he wanted to say, he found himself nearly incapable of doing so.

"My heart is tainted, Okina. My entire soul is; everything about me is. I do not wish to expose Misao to that. She's too pure. Misao shouldn't have to see what I've become. That, Okina, is why I will not return to the Inn."

Aoshi didn't say another word as he finished his tea, standing up after several more moments of silence before he turned to walk out of the small restaurant that they'd met at. He knew that it would hurt Misao, his not returning to Aoiya. But he also knew that she would move on. She had to, because if she didn't, his decision was hurting her more than he'd thought it would. And that wasn't something he could stomach the thought of.

Okina made no move to follow Aoshi as he left the restaurant, knowing that the younger man needed some time to himself at the moment. It wasn't that he didn't understand Aoshi's pain and grief. The elder man lived through his own personal hell every day, after all, and he relived horrible memories from his past often.

But there was a difference between Okina and Aoshi; a difference that had Misao's heart hanging on the line, and a difference that could spell disaster for Aoshi. The difference was that Okina had come to terms with his past, and he'd made amends in his own way. He was at peace with what he had done. Aoshi was not.

The old man finished his tea before he set down the money for his and Aoshi's meal. He needed to get back to the Inn, though he didn't particularly care to return there tonight for the simple reason he'd once again have to let Misao down. He shook his head when he thought of the young girl. She was foolish for having fallen in love with a man as distant as Shinomori Aoshi. He would never return the love she felt for him because as Aoshi himself had said, his heart and his soul were tainted. And as much as Okina would have liked to believe otherwise, he doubted that anything could change the way Aoshi had become.

For Makimachi Misao, time seemed to be passing more slowly than ever before as she impatiently waited in the front room of the Aoiya Inn, waiting for Okina to return from his trip into Kyoto's inner city. He hadn't told her specifically that he was going to meet with Aoshi, but she knew. Misao could always tell when Okina was going to see Aoshi when he got that heavy look on his face.

She turned her head sharply in the direction of the door as it slid open. For a few split seconds, a grin lit up her face as she waited for Aoshi to step inside the Inn after Okina, though her face quickly fell when the older man slid the door shut slowly behind himself. He turned to look in her direction as he slid his geta off onto the straw mat placed beside the door.

"I'm sorry, Misao-chan," was all Okina said to her as he walked past her. He stopped just a few feet behind her and then turned his head so that he was looking at her back before he continued. "He won't be returning."

Misao didn't say a word as she stood there. She should have known not to get her hopes up, she thought bitterly to herself as her hands clenched into tight fists at her side. She should have known he'd let her down; that he wouldn't want to come back to the Aoiya. What did he have to return to, after all? His beloved comrades were dead, and he probably had no interest in a girl like Misao no matter how hard she'd tried to impress him.

It didn't change her feelings, however. There was nothing Aoshi could do or say that would change her love for him. God only knew Misao would choose not to love him, if she could. But love wasn't a choice.

A sigh fell from her lips as she walked towards her bedroom, knowing that no one would come looking for her for the rest of the day. Every time this happened; every time Aoshi was asked to return and then declined, everyone tended to leave her alone.

She pulled the door shut behind herself and then sighed as she walked over to her futon. She was tired, though she already knew there was no way she'd be able to sleep. It was still daylight out; still time enough in the day that it would be nonsensical to go to bed. And then there was the fact that even if she could try to sleep, the only thing she'd be able to do was lay there and think about Aoshi.

Misao missed him, that much was true. She missed everything about him, from the way he had occasionally given her a halfhearted smile if she pleased him to the icy coldness of his eyes when he was angered. She missed his calm demeanor and the way nothing ever riled him. She just missed [i]him[/i]; everything about him.

"Damn you, Aoshi," she muttered under her breath as she sat down on her mattress, deciding not to lay down. Instead, she thought to herself, perhaps she could use this quiet time to convince herself once and for all to forget about Shinomori Aoshi.

iIt won't work and you know that, Misao/i, she thought bitterly to herself as she reached for her braid, playing with the strands of hair at the end of the tie. She couldn't help but feel a longing in her heart for him, however. She knew that Aoshi was hurting, even if no one else would acknowledge it.

When he had seen Han'nya, Shikijo, Hyottoko, and Beshimi die in front of him, it had changed something about Aoshi. She hadn't been there or seen him that night, but the next time she'd seen him after their deaths, he had changed. He'd been more vengeful than he had been before; more thirsty for blood, and it had scared her.

She just wanted to find a way to get back the Aoshi she had adored and loved in childhood. It was true that her love for him had changed. She no longer just saw him as her mentor or as a parent or older brother. She loved him; she wanted him, and Misao was willing to do almost anything to get that Aoshi back. But in the end, unless Aoshi wanted that to happen, she knew that she'd never win him and that was what hurt Misao most.


End file.
